Too Kid-Centric

I knew that I was centering my life around my kids and their activities, and that my own wants and needs were taking a back seat to that, but...

...now I have three weeks to myself, and I've found it hard to do much at all.

It's a bit depressing. I mean, I am a person of means; I'm not wanting for very much as far as personal possessions are concerned (then again, I don't want a lot really). I know that I would like to be in a relationship, with a female, ongoing, but that's not worked out yet. This, despite my oldest daughter's recent decision to leave our home "badly", has been really bugging me. I wish I could turn such desires off like a damn light switch. Really.

I've not exactly tried HARD to rectify the situation.

C.T., a great woman who happens to be part computer-geek (even runs her own application development business and hosts some websites). We've just never hit it off the way I'd hoped. She's got goals that definitely to not gel with what I'd want (including her plan to move in about a year to the mid-west).

M.K., who works at a Japanese steakhouse locally that I go to many times a year. She's beautiful, has a sweet personality, and we've shared phone numbers, talked on the phone, and of course I see her at work (I call ahead to make sure she's working on the nights I go to eat there). However, after talking on the phone, she revealed she had a boyfriend, and I immediately backed off. I'm not built that way. Sometimes it sucks not to be built that way...

B.E., the long-time person who haunted my dreams after, my marriage crumbling due to infidelity and associated rifts between my then-wife and I, we spent time talking, discussing possibilities, sharing more than we should have, spending a couple brief times together alone, a kiss that should-have-did-not-missed-out, and eventually the decision by us both to stop communication for both our sakes (only briefly rescinded a couple times). She knows I'd do anything for her. She also knows she's married the exact same person I was -- a lying cheating whoremonger. Fortunately for him, she is the type to stay and make it work, or at least stay and tolerate (funny, just like I did).

Then there were a couple of people at work whom I have never dated, never asked out, and in both cases, if I am to believe co-workers, it was probably a good thing (one with various issues and a bit younger than me, the other actually dating, but for good reason it was not clear she was).

Jessica is dating (of course) and we rarely talk simply due to the distance and the fact that I don't need to keep open the wound of my brief time with her while in California a few years ago. She's awesome, smart and almost too fast paced for me (but that was a good thing...).

I even got briefly infatuated (BADLY) with a fellow classmate from high school who I saw in person at the 20th reunion. I have no clue how it happened. Perhaps it was just the combination of her very, very hot pictures, her proximity to my hometown, and my own "needy" nature. She's great. We're friends (more than in high school, as we were not in the same circle other than being in band/color guard).

My co-worker and friend David and his girlfriend tried to set me up (to some degree) with their neighbor. I asked them not to. Just like Jessica, there is no use in being in a relationship with someone who lives on the other side of the state. She was not the type of person I was looking for, in any case.

Funnily enough, I met my ex-wife by virtue of my PASTOR and my MOTHER causing us to meet. She asked me out on a date, the rest is history. As I shared with my dad, I remember him saying that I'd "be with" the first woman to show me some attention (or have sex with me, or something like that). BINGO. ....as strange as it may sound, I do not regret the marriage. At all. I loved her (still do, as an ex-husband and an almost-friend). And I got the one thing in life I looked forward to more than almost anything... children. FOUR of them.

They're my life. My joy. My sorrow. My happiness. My worry. My insanity. And the only change I'd make is to have had more.

But there's still time. And methods to expand the family even if I did not marry again. They're in my head, they're bookmarked in my Web Browser, and if it comes to it, I will look into adopting, mentoring, perhaps even a major job change later in life (another topic that's been hitting me more and more lately).

Ahh. Being home alone with the stereo going and nothing but my thoughts can be very eye opening.

ADDENDUM: I am SO GLAD that both of my sons are dating. The chance of them going through what I have is so much lower. Thank you, God...