Forgiveness, Depression, Suicide... or Hope? (a confession of sorts)

My friend Marty was replying to a thread about forgiveness, which caught my eye:

Martin Atencio: If you have trouble forgiving, lots of people ask God to help them forgive. But God is not going to just blast you with forgiving power. You have to practice little bits of it. Once you do that a lot, you will find that you can forgive the person. So in your case, if you want to be free of the prision of these memories so that they won't bother... See More you as much, take 5 seconds out of your day and just bless the person or, if you prefer, ask God to bless the person. Do these little steps every day, and you will find that you can forgive and only then, will you be free.

I feel like I've been decent, above average, perhaps even good at forgiving people (Lord only knows I've needed it time and time again - mainly from those number 1 in my life - my kids). The greatest relationship on this Earth I had the brief fortune to enjoy was ended due to a lack of forgiveness. It really hurt (and was made to hurt yet again just in the past few days). The person in question will never, ever, forgive me for a stupid decision I made, whether the decision was forced by that person or not which is now moot. I should have "defied them" and done the opposite of what was demanded. Now, when it's thrown in my face over and over (and augmented by new events of an unnatural origin), all I can do is go quiet, because nothing I say can ever fix it. I did not "do something", as was demanded repeatedly I not do, and now a marriage is ended, two people ended up unhappy, and one of them rushed into a mistaken elopement (I believe there is a marriage license now). It's frustrating as he77, because various factors allowed me to make a decision that was demanded by that person, and then that person gets to spend the rest of their life smacking me verbally for it.

The levels of true DEPRESSION I've been in over my own loss in this situation know no bottom. I actually sent out a "goodbye/suicide" email to many people quite a few months ago. My kids are truly the only reason I wasn't stupid enough to do something to myself. This is why I'm truly scared for when the last of my children ends up on their own. I could end up one of two ways (and tend to think I'm going to teeter back and forth). Superproductive and active, or literally waste away.

I apologize, to my kids mainly, for ever getting that bad.  I've been through some frustrating physical problems in the last few weeks during my non-insured period (trying to rectify that).  Back pain, the worse insomnia ever and (grr) constipation on occasion.  I know... yum.   In any case, as bad as I've felt then, I can honestly look back on my life and say that the depression involved with the gain and loss of Love of an overly truly wonderful woman has really hit me bad.  I thought I wanted to die months ago, partly because the kids were in the process of moving on, but mainly because I was doing everything in my power to AVOID the woman that I truly Love with all my heart, and who eventually jumped without looking into a relaionship that (by her description) effectively ended a month later, but which she'll continue to fight for.

To say I've been "unlucky in love" is probably inaccurate.  I met a great woman (Jamie Lienberger), went through the ups and downs of my "first girlfriend" who I married, then divorced 16 years later because we'd grown too far apart (affairs along the way did not help, both physical and emotional).  The kids and I continued to live, and a few years later I tried it again (Vesta Lee Henderson Maloy).  We married quickly.  We moved in at the time of the wedding.  We were not prepared as much as we thought for the melding of six children.   Those were three huge mistakes.  The life events made it worse.  She left (within 4 months) and I took the lifelong trained mode of pushing her away at all costs to isolate myself - a pattern/method that I despise about myself.  So eventually, when I was starting to soften up about her, she eloped.  And here we are.  I'm alone, definitely depressed, and under the guise of acting as a friend, got involved with "my ex" for one evening, to be summarily thrown to the curb over the following week.   I understand, to some degree.  I have been the one continuously telling her to work with "the other guy" unless she is prepared to complete end it and move back into working on our relationship.

I feel like I'm living on Days Of Our Lives any more, and that just makes me want to isolate myself even more.  But I don't have the comfortable blanket of my kids all living at home.  It could be as little as 15 months before I'm completely alone (all dependent on kids' plans).  I'm not looking forward to this time in my life.  As I continue the career-change path that was thrust upon me this year (which will hopefully end up being the best thing ever to happen in my financial and work-life), I really am hopeful to find something (or someone??) to make the journey better.  I've invested my adult life on family and being around people familiar to me.  I've heard "Empty Nest Syndrome" thrown at me (a tag I prefer to ignore).  I've been told I should start counseling with someone now (sure, I'll start spending that money on top of everything else).  I have a relative who basically avoided close family contact for two decades who suddenly wants to be 110% involved in *my* life while they are in the process of making major changes in theirs.   But it's all really simple, and has never changed.

I do not want to be alone.  I want a wife to spend my time with.  I don't drink.  I don't smoke.  I play video games occasionally and collect comics (i.e., I have a cheap hobby that does not rule me, and I have over thirty years of investment in something that might someday buy me another new home).  I'm a geek and slightly a dork in an age where people have finally realized that's a really cool thing to be.  I will never be built like these python-muscled stars you see, but 230 is pretty average for 6'4", yes?  I've got an ex who says I need the goatee to stop looking like I'm 20, but I hate the maintenance of the hair.

I just want my wife.  I'd like it to be Vesta, but I cannot sit and obsess and hope.  I did that in the previous decade during another lifetime.

I just want my wife, my friend, my buddy, my personal sextoy and debater.   I've been lucky twice.  Is three times too many?  :-(